Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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