Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
