I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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