on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
