Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
