if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
