seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
