My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
