You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
