I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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