Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
