I think I won the penis lottery.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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