shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
