Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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