I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
