are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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