she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
