You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
