I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
