This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
nutella sex= disaster
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
