Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
