I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
