Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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