Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
