My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
