Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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