I have demons in me.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
