morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
