Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
