How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
