im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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