I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
