i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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