And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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