I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
