I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
