"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
