chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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