You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
