fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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