you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
