i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
