I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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