so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
