You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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