Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
