I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I didn't notice because vodka
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
