First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
