Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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