i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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