My liver just broke up with me...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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