I just saw a hot homeless man
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
