Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
